Word on the Street (From the Comma Folk)

A local real estate agent, a very successful one who has been around longer than we’ve lived in Vancouver (28 years), recently opened a storefront on my stomping grounds. There is a placard in front of this store that, when I first espied it, caught my attention immediately. It bothers me every time I pass it by, which is frequently, because there is a blaring grammatical error in the signage. I am pretty compulsive that way, not to mention just a little bit bitchy. Is it better if I admit that this agent does not count me among his fans because of oft-told tales in the ‘hood regarding his (allegedly) predatory practices? I have witnessed at least one such practice firsthand: he sent a letter around the neighborhood that was an invitation to panic for older folks in single-family dwellings, beginning as it did with “this is a warning letter” and going on to describe how they’d lose equity in their home if they didn’t sell their home right now! I was livid. Like my feelings for Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest, I’m not one of his fans.

So, this placard asks a provocative question:

Answer: “The Market is wanting COMMAS! The Market wants GOOD GRAMMAR, especially where legal bits are involved!”

Commas are important. As has been illustrated to comic effect elsewhere, a well-placed comma can make an essential difference in the meaning conveyed by a sentence. For example,

Let’s go eat, Grandma!
Let’s go eat Grandma!

The second, comma-free version is, of course, very silly: unless she started reproducing in her teen years and her offspring did the same, Grandma would be old, her muscles would be tired and probably pretty stringy. I’m not yet 60 and I’m probably pretty stringy! Better to aim for one of the tender young adults or even one of their children for much better eatin’. Another tip: aim for the point in the early evening when your target adult has to figure out what to pull out of their ass and their cupboards for dinner – they will likely go with you, gladly.

Here is another example of how crucial commas are, courtesy of The Bloggess (although I can’t find the exact post with this example):

He fucked her up against the wall.

He fucked her up, against the wall.

See? One suggests a need for good back support, the other for a good lawyer. With the addition of a single comma you’ve gone from ‘deposit’ to ‘deposition’!

In sum: yes, commas can be funny things and they are important for clear expression. If you think I’m being an asshole – because I certainly know that Market David is not a place to meet Davids, or even a place to buy the cool Celebrity Star Of David Quilt suggested by Jennifer Traig as a home craft (check out her book, Judaikitsch) –

– think on this: in a competitive housing market, where the correct number of zeros and precise language matter a LOT, why would I choose someone to help me buy real estate if that someone (or their appointed and, presumably, paid minions) can’t see the problem here? Really!

But yeah, I’m TOTALLY being an asshole. This is just my opinion, nobody asked, but I AM part of the Market, David.
Love, Julie

P.S. I also know that the plural of the number zero is zeros. If “zero” is used as a verb, as in “to zero in on a target”, then the plural is “zeroes”. Isn’t learning fun?!

P.P.S. I’ve been tempted to correct the sign with a Sharpie, but I won’t. I’ve done so on my computer, however:

Maybe it is because I no longer have periods, but this Bitch needs her comma.

As promised…

Now go ahead and send me all of the errors that you have detected in this post. Peace out.