Banter 1

Humour is a daily presence in our home, and I am grateful. Our brand of humour, as described below, may seem a little dark to some readers, but that is our way.

Always Thoughtful

We have a nice collection of tools. When I had to buy a new drill recently, I was very excited and I spent a few happy hours pottering about hardware stores, deciding what to buy. We have a set of socket wrenches, wire strippers, various forms of pliers, etc., as well as a couple of hammers, both tack and heavy-duty versions. When we were still newlyweds, my husband asked me the following question one morning as he was heading out to work:

M: I’m going to hang some pictures in my office, so I’d like to take one of the hammers, if that’s okay.

J: Actually, I was planning on bashing my brains in today with one of those hammers.

M: OK, I’ll leave you the big one.

Always Prepeared

Michael bikes to work and almost always packs his lunch, to be carried in his bike briefcase. One morning, I took the perfectly-ripe pear he had selected for lunch and lovingly wrapped it in bubble wrap for the usually bumpy ride to work on potholed streets. When he saw my handiwork, he dismantled it and handed the bubble wrap to me, saying, “I’m not worried about Pear Pressure”.

Phishing for Compliments

My husband often receives invitations to speak at conferences that have nothing to do with his fields of interest or expertise. They are phishing schemes that want to you to accept their invitation, whereupon they can use your name as a lure for others as well as charge you money to attend their conference. A few weeks ago, I was showering when my husband came into the bathroom to tell me that he had just been invited to speak at a conference about Stevia. “Sweet!”, I exclaimed.

A New Beginning!

Several years ago, a friend of mine retired. She was on the hunt for meaningful ways to spend her newly-available time (she found them). My husband mused that when the time came for him to retire, he was going to already have a Plan.

Me: I hope that this ‘Plan’ doesn’t involve murdering me.

Michael: Why would I wait until I retire??

Bean There…

At dinner last week, we were talking about protein alternatives to meat vis-a’-vis lessening our environmental impact. Michael mentioned that he and his colleagues were discussing lentils, and mentioned that 2018 had been designated the Year of the Legume. I professed my ignorance of this fact, justifying myself by proclaiming, “I can’t keep my finger on the pulse of America”. Michael then mentioned that one of his colleagues had referred to himself as a “bean counter”. This designation has, apparently, all sorts of great pun opportunities, perhaps best pondered after a fresh viewing of Streisand’s gender-bending musical Lentl (not to mention Hello, Dahly)…

Sweet Revenge

Spoiler Alert: If you have not yet seen the final season of Breaking Bad and you may do so in the near future, do not read the rest of this post.

Michael, our daughter and I had just finished Breaking Bad. One of the characters. you may remember if you’ve seen this excellent series, was dispatched through use of her idiosyncratic use of Stevia (this post is a bit heavy on the Stevia, it seems). Shortly thereafter, my husband left for and returned from a work trip and on the evening of his return, I found a packet of Stevia on the shelf in the bathroom, obviously put there for me to find with all of its attendant implications from our recent viewing of Breaking Bad. In response, I left a brief note which delighted my husband enough that he immortalized the scene thusly:

Sweet!